are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So many bounce houses so little time
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
