if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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