Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
