All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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