I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
