Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
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I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
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the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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