Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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