She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
