I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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