My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
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Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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