Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
