You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
