i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
