I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
