This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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