gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
