Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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