Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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