Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
