So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I love you. Go after that dick
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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