She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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