the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
