it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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