The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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