If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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