In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
