Welp...herpes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
