my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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