I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
