it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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