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This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
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The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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