Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
