my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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