Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
