awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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