who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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