why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
