i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
