I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
