my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
