I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
