I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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