Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
