i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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