the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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