Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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