I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
