I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
