Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Are my feet made of real feet?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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