I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
