final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
