Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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