I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
