Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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