...so i touched it.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
