If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
