Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
