mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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