i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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