I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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